Months of work, nearly erased in the span of a few weeks.
My lofty goal now so far away, and time so short, that it is, for all practical purposes, impossible.
I chose to celebrate the holidays with my whole heart. I threw open the house and filled it with extraordinarily treats made from real butter and chocolate. I spoiled my kids and my niece. We had our traditional Christmas meals and tried new recipes. I said yes to dinners out at brilliant restaurants with friends and cheerfully toasted them with cocktails.
I travelled for work to a city full of outstanding places to eat, and I didn't hold back.
But I also made it to the gym. I logged tens of thousands of steps every week on my Fitbit. I drank gallons of water and stayed off of caffeine. I never cleaned my plate, snacked on vegetables, skipped the fries and sent dozens of cookies out of the door. I knew I wouldn't make progress, but I was mindful of not going backwards. Yes, I ate, but what I ate was far from junk. It was delicious, wonderful food.
It didn't matter. Being partially good was obviously not good enough.
I am ashamed. I am sad. And I am mad.
I rage at the unfairness of feeling punished for letting myself relax and savor eating for just a little while. All that happiness wiped away because the scale makes me miserable*. I feel caught right back in my original trap.
I am so tempted to give up. To recast my objective as unrealistic and silly. I could give myself permission to claim this ten pound victory. I can, after all, take pride in my healthier heart and stronger legs and hydration habit. The pull of acquiescence is unbelievably strong.
Then I read this:
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes it is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I’ll try again tomorrow.'”**
Sometimes, courage does roar.
So here I am. Trying again tomorrow.
Not to do the impossible. Just to be brave enough to keep going down this road a little longer, and to be satisfied with wherever I wind up, whenever I get there.
* Step 1: Bought a new scale. Happier already.
** From this link.